


Finding Home

by thesnowyswan



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Robert's pov, excessive tagging because of feelings, when something bad happens and all is forgiven sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-06
Updated: 2017-10-06
Packaged: 2019-01-09 13:53:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,555
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12277902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thesnowyswan/pseuds/thesnowyswan
Summary: When things are said and done, how do you come back from your worst mistakes? Following a tragic confrontation, Robert tries to discover not only a way back to Aaron and his family, but to a better version of himself.Canon compliant until it diverges into hypothetical future story.





	Finding Home

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta'd so all mistakes are my own. 
> 
> A few things: this is entirely Robert's POV and a touch of the unreliable narrator about it as we experience things as Rob does, and only when he does, so it's a very limited perspective; Rebecca's baby is Robert's but it's mostly to facilitate the story I want to tell as she, the baby and Lachlan are dead at the beginning of this fic; there is a general abuse of medical stuff via ignorance and vagueness because I needed it to work how I wanted it to (sorry!); and it mostly follows canon up until the end of September.

There’s a ringing in his ears and he stands at the ruins of what was once his home. It’s distant and far away, like a hollow echo he doesn’t quite remember. He feels unbalanced by the sound, everything muffled against cotton wool in his ears. His back is killing him and he feels like he’s about to tip over but he never does until he feels hands grip his arms and shake him.

“Robert!”

Robert can see Aaron form his name, thick fingers digging into his skin but they never quite touch him. Not in anyway that means anything. Aaron takes his silence as a cue to drop his hands, take a step back and Robert doesn’t know why. Maybe he can hear the ringing too.

A paramedic touches his back, Robert turns to her with a wince, her lips move but her mouth isn’t familiar to him like Aaron’s so he allows himself to be slowly led away to an ambulance.

“Mr Sugden? My name is Lucy.” She tries again, slower. He feels himself nod.  She has a long blonde ponytail that swings while she fiddles with various electrical things that she attaches to him. “How are you feeling, Robert, is it?”

He frowns.

“Nothing.”

She looks over at him with brown eyes that are much too kind. Robert tries again, “Nothing.”

Her hand softly pats his and he knows she doesn’t understand. He doesn’t suppose anyone would.

 

 

 

The ringing stops but the ache doesn’t. It’s in his ears, his head and his chest. The doctors fuss over his bullet wound and wonder about adhesions so he tunes them out. Someone mentions something about his back too but the sun is particularly bright for the time of year and Robert thinks that it would be colder than it looks to stand out there.

 

 

 

Liv glares at him from the end of the bed. He’s shocked to see her of course, but he can’t figure out why she’s here.

Time passes and she doesn’t say anything.

Robert picks up a magazine and reads that instead.

 

 

 

Vic fusses incessantly. He knows she’s worried because of the grip she has on his shoulder is borderline painful as she tries to wrest a pillow behind his head into submission. He drags himself up further and she takes the pillow and punches it aggressively in the name of ‘fluffing’ it up.

He tells her thanks when she’s done and her face isn’t so tight. Her hand still is.

 

 

 

In the end, he spends a week in hospital. More precaution than anything else and he’s tired of it. He pays private and his room is quiet but it feels like a prison more than anything else.

 

 

 

Robert sits on a nondescript chair in a nondescript room with an equally beige dressed man.

He introduces himself as Michael and Robert tilts his head in contemplation.

He doesn’t have to be here, with Michael, who has sandy brown hair and a plain smile, but he can’t remember the last time he was warm.

“I’d like to know what you want to get out of our sessions, Robert.”

“I—” He stops. _I_. _I what?_ He doesn’t know. Not anymore.

“Would you like to feel more in control?” Michael offers. “Of your situation. Life, maybe?”

That pulls a snort out of Robert. He almost wants to laugh and that’s why he decides that he does actually need to be here.

“I’m the most out of control control freak I know,” he admits softly.

Michael’s smile changes, becomes more real, a little upturned at the corners.

“Most people are.”

 

 

 

He sees Aaron again when Aaron’s sorting things outside the front of the pub with Chas. She’s looking down on him in that way of hers, like always, but Aaron is cautious.

Robert doesn’t stop. Doesn’t acknowledge him because he wouldn’t know what to say if he did.

 

 

 

Liv is back again. Her arms are folded as he sits on Vic’s settee, blanket covering him and hot tea in his hand.

“You’re a dickhead,” she tells him. He shrugs. She takes his tea and drinks some of it, staking her claim, and he doesn’t fight her on it.

Robert chews his lip and gathers his thoughts for a second, “I think I missed you.”

She blinks at him a couple of times before she returns his words with a nod, “I…I think I missed you too.”

He knows it hurts that she hesitates.

“Aaron,” Liv tries but stops when Robert’s shoulders naturally hunch down as he tries to curl into himself.

With kind eyes that he doesn’t ever remember seeing on her, she tucks herself into his side, “When you’re ready.”

He’ll never be ready and it sticks in his throat to even try to tell her that.

 

 

 

Liv visits him regularly and they drink tea while he helps her with her homework. She tells him it’s so that he can feel normal and he tells her it’s because she’s crap at graphs. Aaron remains the unspoken elephant in the room and every time she comes ‘round her ability to keep her mouth shut decreases. She’s managed to contain herself to little huffs when she wants to start but never lets them become full words. Not yet.

 

 

 

He mentions it to Michael, who writes something down before he looks back up at Robert.

“What do you think she wants to tell you? About Aaron?” Michael’s gaze isn’t invasive, gently probing instead, but Robert’s aware that he’s looking for _something_ in his face. He just doesn’t know what.

Still, he thinks on it. When it comes to Aaron, it could be anything with Liv. An anecdote about something silly, like a sound her brother made when he dropped toast butter side down on to the floor, or she could go straight for the jugular, and tell him that Aaron still _loveshateswantsnothingtodowithyou_. Robert can’t handle any of those options.

“Robert.” Michael speaks firmly.

“I’m not –” Robert struggles to find the words to explain _Aaron_. He settles on, “I want better for him.”

“Okay.”

That’s another reason Robert likes Michael. He accepts things how they are.

 

 

 

It’s heading towards the end of October and Vic wants to go shopping, pick up some stuff for the kids. Debbie called the other day and gave her an address if she wanted to send anything ahead of time for Christmas, and Vic is never going to pass up a chance to spoil her niece and nephew.

“Up you get,” She makes shooing motions with her hands when he looks down at his terry cloth robe. “Diane’s coming so you had better get a move on.”

No escape then. He sighs and pulls some clean clothes out of his drawers before heading toward the bathroom.

When she arrives, the normally nosy Diane takes one look at him, sighs gently and pulls him in for a cuddle. He doesn’t react for a second but then he brings his arm around her and lets himself be cared for.

 

 

 

He knew it was coming. Laden with bags, Vic doesn’t even try to hide where they’re going. He balks and tries to move off from them but they have him hemmed in between them. They get him through the door and Chas’s eyes narrow the second she sees him but Vic steps in front of him like her tiny frame can protect his larger one.

It isn’t Vic’s display that puts Chas off, it’s a hand on her arm and a soft plea from Aaron. She stalks to the back and Vic nods to Aaron who shares the sentiment. Robert finds the floor fascinating, until a sharp elbow buries itself in his side.

It’s automatic, “thank you.”

He expects Aaron to shrug but instead he gets given one of Aaron’s secret soft smiles. It hurts and Robert can’t bear it, he turns on himself immediately and leaves. He can hear Diane stopping Vic in the background but his ears could be lying. For a second, he thinks he hears the ringing again.

 

 

 

Eventually Aaron doesn’t let him get away with it. The running and hiding, spending time with Liv, bringing her home but never coming in to say hi.

“Well, you did come all this way,” he drawls, his accent thicker after a can.

Robert shifts awkwardly, “It’s nothing.”

The silence is heavy, thick with the unspoken things threatening to destroy the tentative détente they have going. Robert feels weak under Aaron’s stare, until he takes a step forward and Robert reels back. The spell is broken, Aaron looks at him and Robert thinks for the first time, he might actually see how broken Robert is.

Except he doesn’t back off. A soft hand comes up to Robert’s cheek and his rough thumb rubs across his cheekbone like it’s a ghost of a touch. If it wasn’t for the heat of Aaron’s hand he would have said it was. As soon as it has happened, Aaron drops his hand.

“Night,” is all Aaron says before he moves off towards the settee. Robert can breathe again but he knows that Aaron is listening. Waiting. For what, he guesses neither of them will know because Robert lets himself out, chest heaving with the only thing he can describe as panic.

 

 

 

Michael has some thoughts about this and tells him so. In fact, he decides to take a more unorthodox approach and takes Robert on a short walk outside, both of them with their hands hastily shoved into gloves, their breath making smoke in the crisp air it’s that early.

“Aaron was the catalyst. Things happened beyond anyone’s control and even within it, but for your part, it all started with Aaron.”

Robert nods.

“I’m not criticising him, I hope you understand, but have you considered that a lot of what you’re feeling can be linked to what he represents? The way things were.”

 _Heartbroken. Empty. Alone_.

“Stay with me, Robert,” Michael urges him. “It doesn’t mean you can never move forward with Aaron like you have with Victoria and Olivia. You just have to be aware.”

He feels like he’s shaking. Maybe he is. Michael doesn’t touch him, doesn’t stabilise him the way Aaron would have.

“Have you considered not looking at Aaron for who he was, your husband, and look at who he is now? Who you are now that you’re separated?”

That’s the problem. He doesn’t know who he is without Aaron. He created Robert with love and kindness and fire when he didn’t deserve it, and he doesn’t know if he can get to a better place without being completely and unfailingly in love with Aaron Dingle.

“You think you aren’t whole without him, but Robert, you existed before him and you’re still here after he’s gone.”

 _Existed_.

“Just have a think about what we’ve talked about today and then we’ll discuss it again next week.”

Michael goes back into the hospital and Robert stays where he’s seated, thoughts swirling and a tightness in his chest.

 

 

 

Liv invites him round for tea and he takes her up on it. She barely hides her reaction with a cough so he can tell she’s pleased. Opening the door wider, she shuffles him in and pulls his coat off at the same time with the same level of impatience she has for algebra.

What he doesn’t realise is that she is in charge of this culinary adventure. She scrunches up her nose, tossing back at him: “how hard can it be?”

Robert laughs at her when she can’t find the potato peeler. She offers him a place at the table and a knife and sets him to work. Aaron comes back from the yard not much later and he is shoved right next to Robert on chopping detail. Their elbows bump together and Robert doesn’t have to think too much about it because Liv seems to read his mind, or at least his anxiety, and shouts in their general direction with increasing frequency.

Aaron rescues the chicken from cremation after Liv spends too long deciding how much milk to butter ratio she wants to use in the mash potato, and Robert just breathes. They bicker lightly and Aaron pulls Liv’s ponytail when she tries to shove him into the sink, and Robert breathes.

“Come on, old man, this plate isn’t going to carry itself,” Liv snarks at him when he stares a little too long. She meets him halfway with a soft smile and he knows it’s because she’s loved. She has everything she needs and she’s happy. As if she can hear his thoughts, she huffs, “Don’t be soft.”

Maybe it’s the company but he feels bold. Aaron brushes past him to the table and he lets their fingers touch. The reaction is instantaneous, his eyes flick to Robert’s, his mouth dropping a little slack. Sometimes he wonders how he was ever so blind to how keenly Aaron feels everything. He lets a small smile flicker on his lips, a cheeky one he might have given when they first met.

Liv has always had a sixth sense about ruining a moment as she hollers at them: “Stop making googly eyes at each other, your tea is going cold.”

The laugh that punches out of Robert is real. Probably the realest thing he’s felt in a while and Aaron is still looking at him. He lets his hand curl itself around Aaron’s elbow as he carries the plate that Robert should be and lets Robert guide him to the table, sitting side by side again.

 

 

 

He knows that Liv wants to talk about it. The dinner, where he stayed for more than one beer, watched crap telly with her feet shoved under his thigh because she was too lazy to go and get a pair of socks and Aaron would move if she did. He knows that Aaron secretly likes when Liv uses him as a body pillow and would have stayed for death before he moved. But that’s not what she wants to talk about. She wants to talk about how he let his gaze linger on her brother and the moment he looked away, Aaron was doing the same.

“You’re scared.” Liv is leaning against the kitchen counter at Vic’s like she’s ten years older than she is and dealing out advice just the same.

“Just take him on a date,” and the way she says it, like dating his husband should be the easiest thing in the world, just makes Robert feel like his chest is caving in. Nothing about this is easy.

“I can’t. Things are too complicated now,” he replies honestly, “there’s too much water under the bridge.”

“Do you love him?”

Robert feels himself rear back. “Of course I love him. But I’m not good for him. Don’t you want better for Aaron?”

Liv stares him down before she shrugs, “I figure being happy is better than being good.”

“All I do is find new ways to hurt him. The…the baby was just one of tons of things I’ve done wrong where Aaron’s concerned.”

“Yeah well, he’s writing love hearts on his exercise book like he’s my age because he thinks you’re worth it. Be worth it.”

“Don’t you think I would if I could? Look at me.”

She rebounds so naturally off of him, “Do you really think he cares about that?”

“I won’t do this to him again.” Robert’s voice cracks on ‘again’.

The elephant in the room, what Robert has tried to avoid since he got home from hospital. Out of sight out of mind, or rather out of mind and distinctly repressed. There is a very real and present wheelchair that’s sucking all the oxygen out of the room. The adjacent back brace is just as fetching. Still, they aren’t permanent. The doctors want to protect his spine as he took a hard fall from the balcony, his legs tingling as he walked from the wreckage. They thought he might have caught some shrapnel and the fall embedded it further but there was nothing to find.

“I can’t.”

“You don’t get to decide that. You took enough of his decisions already.” Liv doesn’t say it harshly but it doesn’t make it any less true.

Everything seems to crack and fall apart, his eyes wetting as he tries to swallow the lump forming in his throat. Liv notices and turns to busying herself cleaning up cups and breakfast plates. He must look terrible because he can’t ever remember Liv choosing to pick up dirty dishes if Aaron wasn’t hounding her.  He wants to control himself but it’s like an open maw of a beast and it won’t be satisfied unless he’s cried every tear in his body, and eventually Liv sits by his side and lets him rest his head on her shoulder until he’s done. It feels ugly, his eyes puffy and nose running, but it feels clean too.

 

 

 

Michael looks pleased with this development and Robert feels like he’s getting way too much enjoyment out of his pain.

“Crying is a cathartic experience, Robert, something I doubt you have very much of in your life.”

Robert, on the other hand, is feeling surly today, raw and exposed and his arms are folded across his chest in some effort to create a protective barrier.

“Sure, getting snot nosed on my kid sister in law because I’m having feelings is the way to go.” He isn’t even sorry for how rough it sounds.

“Mmm,” Michael asserts and it grates on Robert’s nerves. “Do you think that you would have told me about this when we first started our sessions?”

That takes him by surprise. He hasn’t really thought about that time in a while, when everything was hazy and to even get up in the morning was more effort than Robert had in him. He wants to say he would have for the sake of getting better but he knows that it’s not in his nature to reveal weakness, not when he’s down and wounded.

“This is progress, Robert. It isn’t leaps and bounds, but just small moments where you dealt better than you did before.”

He’s sceptical. Of course, he is, but he takes the comment for what it’s supposed to be: positive reinforcement of Robert getting in touch with the less angry side of himself.

“Doesn’t change the fact that I’m messed up and I keep messing up.”

Michael nods and taps his pen, “Maybe not. But it’s a start, right?”

 

 

 

Christmas inching closer and closer and Robert feels snug in his series of fishermen’s knit jumpers with elbow patches that drive Vic mad. He can hear her already: ‘they’re so unnecessary, Robert’, in that way only an exasperated sister can say. Jimmy wants Robert to come in to the office and deal with Home James paperwork, whether that’s true, or he’s sick of Nicola, he may never know. Or want to know. But he feels stronger today so he gets himself up and dressed in his favourite suit instead and heads out.

Adam is out front today, clunking around with the front bumper of an old Volvo when he tips his head to Robert’s approach.

“You alright, mate?”

It’s not like he and Adam have a bad relationship, but he’s married to Robert’s sister who he hurt and Adam’s best friend/adoptive brother is Robert’s husband who Robert hurt, so they just tend to circle each other, picking at the open spaces where they know the digs will land.

“Good, thanks. Think you could give us a hand?” Robert gestures to the chair and the steps into the portacabin. Robert can walk the small distance without trouble but he can’t lift the chair to get the thing in there.

Adam shrugs, “Sure, if you make us a brew.”

Robert nods, “That I can do.”

Paperwork overall is boring as hell but Robert finds a certain kind of solace in balancing the books and messing up certain parts of Nicola’s filling system when she gets on his last good nerve. He suspects that Jimmy asking him to come in is more for Robert’s benefit than for anything at Home James as he finds very little to do once he gets going.

Adam even pops a second cup on his desk a little while later and Robert decides to offer him a piece of advice, “she’s at home alone tonight. If you wanted to keep her company.”

He thinks that maybe they’re both surprised at Robert’s change of tune but as much as he can open a door, he can’t make Adam walk through it.

“Cheers mate.” Adam smiles and maybe figures that Robert’s good turn deserves another: “he never went with that Alex bloke in the end. Guess he really loves you or summat.”

A lead weight in Robert’s stomach dissolves as his mind slowly wraps around the words. He had felt the moment his own heart cracked as the other man passed his husband into what had once been their home. Beside himself hadn’t even come close to the devastation that made its way inside him. How so much that had come to pass after had been because of that ripping agony.

“What.” It isn’t a question. Just a word that falls from his lips, unbidden, and Adam seems to get it because his smile softens.

Robert’s mind is racing except he doesn’t know what answer he’s rushing to.

Adam tips his cup towards Robert and replies easily, “Think maybe you should talk to him. See if you guys can’t give it another go.”

 

 

 

In the end, Robert catches Aaron by accident as he’s coming out of the Mill. He’s feeling bolstered by the knowledge that Aaron didn’t sleep with the good doctor, but he chews his lip for a moment before he calls out, “Can we talk?”

Aaron’s holding his keys in his hand but he doesn’t look put out when he nods and waits for Robert to come down the path.

Normally Aaron would be fussing and making a racket in the kitchen, but he sits on the arm of the sofa and that leaves Robert sitting awkwardly in front of him. He’s pretty sure Aaron’s moved the settee since he was last here to make room for his chair and it just aches inside him to know it.

“I…uh,” Suddenly his voice leaves him. Faced with having to _talk_ , Robert folds like he has always done. Except the one time he didn’t and he broke both their hearts.

Aaron is nothing but a picture of concern, “You alright, Rob?”

Sometimes Robert wonders if it’s exhausting for Aaron to care so much about so many people. He constantly gives and gives, and it feels stupid to realise it in this moment, but he understands now what Aaron meant. About putting himself first. He would have killed himself before he ever let his pain hurt Robert. And the selfish part of Robert, the black syrupy part that leaks over everything despite his best efforts would have let him because he loves Aaron too much to let him go. Let it all burn if he could have this man.

So he knows where he has to start and it’s gutting him. Not because it hurts him but because it hurts Aaron.

“Rebecca and the baby are dead,” Robert exhales, “because her nephew killed them and I don’t care.”

Whether that’s hard or easy for Aaron to hear, Robert isn’t sure, nothing changes in his face as he listens to Robert talk.

“That’s—that’s not normal.” Robert lets his breath shake, “I did so many terrible things this year and the only one I care about is the one where I hurt you. I love you, but that can’t be everything.”

Aaron has that look on his face when he wants to reach out, but he never does. Instead, he just agrees, “I know.”

“Except you don’t. You weren’t there for the plotting and the scheming, not really, and God, you called me on it enough times but it didn’t stop me. Nothing could have stopped me. I wanted them to hurt like I hurt and now look what happened.”

“Rob, you didn’t do this. You didn’t kill them.” He sounds so sure but Robert isn’t.

“No, but I pushed hard enough so that Lachlan did. He wanted me and I scraped by the skin of my teeth. _Again_.”

“You say you can’t lose me,” Aaron’s looking down like he doesn’t believe the words and Robert aches to lift his head up, “but I can’t lose you. When Belle called me, I felt my heart drop. It didn’t matter what you’d done or why you’d done it, I thought I’m going to lose him and the thought of it damn near killed me. I don’t need you, Robert, but I want you. I want you like this, forever.”

It’s the most Aaron has ever said on the subject and with the most ease and it soothes so many pains Robert didn’t realise he had. He wants so badly to pull Aaron in close and hug away the hurt but he can’t get this wrong, not now.

“If I do this right now you’re going to take over my life and I’ll let you. Not because that’s what you want or what you do, but because even though I’m trying to figure myself out, you’re still everything. You’re who I love, who I want to be with, you’re the kind of man I want to be and I can’t let you take me on before I’m ready.”

Robert hates that he’s still causing Aaron pain. He’s looking at Robert with reddening eyes and all he wants to do is take it back. He wants to fall at Aaron’s feet and beg forgiveness. That’s why he has to do it. He needs to be whole for this to work.

“God, I love you.” Robert pulls Aaron in by the front of his shirt and lets himself have this one kiss. They press against each other, hearts racing and fingers curling around arms, and he feels that perfect feeling he has and knows it’s loving Aaron.

Aaron falls back first, his breath a little ragged, and his lips red against the darkness of his beard.

“Fix yourself then call me, alright? We’ll figure it out.”

It’s a promise that Robert doesn’t think he deserves. Aaron leaves him sitting there in the din of what was supposed to be their home with the memory of their kiss and the warmth of his body for the one moment it was pressed against him and he knows he has to be better.

 

 

 

It’s been two months since he came home from hospital in the chair and now he’s getting the all clear to get rid of it. He’s glad. Standing on his own two feet seems like another step in the right direction and Liv is there to meet him when he gets out.

“What are you doing here?” He laughs. It’s after school so she hasn’t bunked off but he didn’t tell anyone where he was going.

“Followed ya, didn’t I?” Liv explains as if that’s completely normal and Robert thinks that for them maybe it is. “Your legs aren’t gonna fall off or summat?”

Her accent comes thick and fast with emotion, just like Aaron’s does and when he hugs her, pushing her face into his chest, for as much as she squirms, she throws her arms around his middle just the same.

Brushing down her ponytail, he reassures her, “No, my legs are fine. The wheelchair was only ever a precaution anyway.”

“Good, ‘cause it’s not like you can get new ones, they’re well funny as it is.”

Robert fake laughs, “Har har. Tall jokes? I think you’re losing your touch.”

Liv pulls away with a smug smile, “Don’t worry, I’m just easing you back in. Wouldn’t want you to die of shock in your old age.”

Clearly someone has been listening too much to their big brother about what constitutes humour and Robert is having none of it.

“Oh well, looks like you’re going to miss out on this old guy going to the café and getting a burger.”

Liv loves a café burger, something about the grease and old fashioned chocolate milkshakes appeals to her, but she also sees it for the play it is and narrows her eyes at him.

“Two days,” she says after a moment.

Robert considers it, “Three and I’ll get you a brownie for later.”

She sticks her hand out like any good business woman and he couldn’t be prouder. He shakes it and seals it. They both know she’ll break after two and rip into him over her geography coursework but it’s a thing they do and it’s theirs.

 

 

 

“You seem happier,” Michael comments as Robert fiddles with his phone, turning it over in his hand.

Robert doesn’t agree. Not that he isn’t happier, but there is a fragility to it that he isn’t ready to risk with words and acknowledgement. He and Aaron aren’t together but it’s not that they never will be. Liv has finally settled into whatever weird co-parenting situation that they have and seems entirely enamoured with the whole thing. Especially when she plays them off against each other and ends up with takeaway more times in a week than Robert would ever agree to.

“I like that Liv comes to me,” Robert admits. “I thought I’d lost her when she found out but she knew.”

“She knew I wasn’t being truthful when she came to talk to me. She saw through me when I needed it. Even if I threw it back in her face.”

Robert needs something more to do with his hands because he hates this next part. Having to relive that awful moment when he found Liv passed out by the side of the road.

“I hurt her and she hurt me because we trust each other. Because I let her down. I don’t want to forgive myself for that. We became a team while Aaron was…gone and I betrayed her as much as I betrayed him.”

“So you would like to seek forgiveness for your trespass against Aaron, but not Liv?” Michael writes something down and Robert tries to ignore how that makes him feel.

“Aaron forgives too much. I couldn’t stop him if I tried and I think I need it if we’re going to try again. Liv—”

He stops, tries to consider his words.

“She shouldn’t have had to deal with any of it. She deserves stability. And the fact she even cares now…”

It’s a gift. She never wanted to share Aaron, her big brother who came and saved her from her life as her mother’s carer and her father’s pawn. It’s the simple kind of hero worship that makes him feel soft inside now, but back then it reared him up, that constant having to fight for every moment that he and Aaron shared together.

Michael is blunt with him when he replies, “she was collateral damage.”

That feels like a knife.

“I never expected her. This kid who came into our lives and made us a family. When I hurt people before, I hurt them. I wasn’t looking to get off on hurting innocent people.”

Michael nods like he understands.

“I acted like I knew what being responsible for her was about. Getting her to school, feeding her and helping her with her homework, but this. This is what it’s really about. Making sure no one hurts her. Making her feel loved and wanted. I thought our wedding would do that and it did for a bit. But actually being there for her, that’s reality. Whether I cheated or not, I should have been there and I wasn’t. I chose my pain over hers.”

To confess all that drains Robert like he’s a water level rapidly decreasing.

“That’s a lot of introspection, Robert.” Michael scribbles down more on his notepad and Robert can’t bring himself to care, “so what are you going to do, going forward, to show Liv that she can count on you?”

He knows that Michael is fishing for a plan; movie nights, dinner, helping her with her school work, things he’s already doing but Robert knows what he has to do. Everything. Regardless of what happens from now, he’s going to do for Liv what he always should have. What he should have for his own child.

“Be there, however she needs me.”

 

 

 

With his newfound physical freedom and prospective something with Aaron, Robert lets himself go to the pub on the off chance he can catch Victoria on her way out for the night. It’s been an age since he’s seen her and he finds that he misses her. In her nagging and overachieving way.

Charity is pulling a pint for him when Robert sets himself up at the bar, Vic’s got half an hour left of her shift but he can wait it out. Chas has been roped into something with Paddy and Marlon so Robert feels safe enough that he’ll make it out with all of his limbs still intact. Except Charity is waggling her eyebrows at him as Aaron plays darts behind him and it takes all of him to just roll his eyes.

“Pack it in.” He tells her and waves over the peanuts because he’s decided he wants those.

“I’m not your slave.” She snipes back but hands them to him anyway. “So what’s happening with lover boy. Hunky husband? Dashing date? I never know with you two these days.”

“What makes you think there is anything going on?” Robert asks as innocently as he can. He’s already clocked the fact that Aaron’s playing darts with his friend, Martin? He’s a nice enough lad, met Aaron when his car broke down on a back street and they bonded over their love of greasy chips and football. If anything, his simple attitude to life is a breath of fresh air that Aaron needs.

Charity shrugs in that way of hers when she means something else entirely: “Because unless you’ve got an unsightly builder’s crack he keeps noticing, he’s been staring at your bum since you walked in.”

Robert straightens at that. He’s sitting on a stool but his belt is tight so he knows that his rear is safe against a peep show but he also feels a blush creep onto his cheeks.

She sees it and laughs, “you’re cute, Sugden.”

Martin tries his best but Aaron plays far too much with Adam in the portacabin and wipes the floor with him. Robert tries not to be a stereotypical teenage girl about it but his heart does do a tiny swoop when Aaron looks over at Robert after he wins the second round and with the same intensity that used to prelude some pretty amazing sex.

Any further plans are scarpered by Vic appearing through from the back and calling him like some hen-pecked mother and he’s her truant son. Thankfully that douses any physical encouragements he might have been feeling and embarrassed himself with.

Despite wanting to go, Victoria asks: “Did you say hi?”

Robert shakes his head, “No, not the right time. Plus I came here for some quality Sugden time.”

Vic purses her lips like she wants to say something else but Robert has turned up his charm offensive with a wide smile because for once he actually does want to hang with his sister and forget all of the maybes, could bes and hopes to God.  

“Come on then, let’s have a cuppa and watch a film, my feet are killing me.” Vic sighs as she makes her way around to get under Robert’s arm for a hug.

Robert feels himself smile harder, if that was even possible. He used to take so much of this for granted. Not anymore.

 

 

 

“Let’s talk about the baby.” Michael announces during their next session.

The pit of dread in Robert’s stomach opens and he feels his entire life being sucked towards it.

“Do you ever think about fatherhood?”

“It’s a bit of an abstract topic,” Robert hedges.

Michael doesn’t let it go, “There were many months where you had acknowledged your impending parental role.”

“I didn’t.” Robert says automatically, “I knew she was pregnant and it was mine but I wasn’t. I wasn’t its dad.

“His?”

“His. Look, I appreciate you trying to cover all the fuck ups of my life but this—”

“—is off limits?”

Robert feels stumped. It is and it isn’t. He doesn’t want to talk about the baby, his son, because he never really connected with him. It.

“I had too many feelings bound up in his mother to ever really care about him.”

“You hated her.” A bold statement, he suspects to throw Robert off and get an honest reaction. He doesn’t disappoint.

“Yes.”

Someone else might have denied it but Robert is tired. He doesn’t want to have to mitigate the enormity of what Rebecca choosing to keep the baby did to his life. “She acted like she was this huge Earth mother type but she was a coward. Scared of being alone. She had no purpose.”

“And motherhood isn’t a worthwhile purpose?”

“For some. Rebecca…Rebecca was selfish.” Robert finds he isn’t angry anymore so much as resigned. “Rebecca wanted what she wanted and damn everyone else.”

“Do you think you would have come to regret it? Not being a part of your son’s life?”

Robert considers it. He supposes that this is the crux of his therapy, to deal with what happened that night, the end of so much for Robert, and everything leading up to it.

“No. He didn’t need a father like me.”

 

 

 

Americano in hand, Robert heads toward the pub for a confrontation that he really doesn’t want to have but he knows he has to.

Chas is restocking crisps and nuts as he opens the door and he winces at the glare she throws his way. For the most part, Chas understood where Robert was coming from, deep down, but he still did the unthinkable to her son.

“You’re walking.” She sniffs her nose but Robert can see the cracks. She isn’t as mad as she’s making out and he knows he has Aaron to thank for that.

Robert puts his coffee down before he picks up a box of Space Raiders, tears it open before handing out the first couple of packs to Chas. Pickled onion, a classic.

He throws back at her, “yeah I know you’re real broken up about it.”

She sighs.

“I don’t wanna do this, Robert.”

Still, she takes the packets. Robert feels himself nodding, “I made the biggest mistake of my life that night, you know it, I know it. And Aaron; he’s choosing to give things another go.”

Robert takes her silence as a sign to keep talking.

“I know that you’re never going to trust me like you did and I deserve that. I really do. But don’t hurt him because you can’t stand me. I can’t make him go, not if he doesn’t want to, and if you make him choose he’s just going to tear himself apart.”

He doesn’t expect the Space Raiders to come back and hit him in the face.

Eyes narrowed in that way only a Dingle can achieve, Chas stares him down, “We’ve all done things we regret, but I swear to _God_ , you ever do this again I won’t kill you. I’ll take Aaron as far away as I can and you can live with it.”

Because everyone knows how well he didn’t cope being separated from his husband.

“Fair enough.” Robert agrees and Chas shakes her head.

“Hand me those Monster Munch. Stay long enough and we’ll see what Vic is cooking up for lunch.”

Just like Aaron, Liv, everyone really, Chas is giving him so much more than he could ever hope for or repay. It chokes him a little in the back of his throat.

Chas gave a little so Robert does too: “I hope it’s not shepherd’s pie, she always adds too much OXO.”

Chas looks at him speculatively for a moment like she isn’t sure if he’s telling the truth. “Is that what it is?”

Robert ignores her look and smiles, “yeah, it’s something Mum used to do.”

 

 

 

Aaron appears in the portacabin a couple of days after their visual tête à tête at the pub when Robert’s finishing up a contract and waiting for the printer to get going.

“Cuppa?” he asks as he makes his way to the portable kettle.

“No, ta, I’m almost done.”

Aaron cocks an eyebrow at Robert’s refusal. It’s a rare occasion when he says no to an Aaron Dingle made brew.

“Hey,” Aaron tilts his head and bites his lip in that way Robert knows he’s only got one thing on his mind, “give us a kiss.”

Robert smiles at the boldness of it, “Your kettle’s boiling.”

“It can wait.” Aaron’s mouth spreads into a smile in return. Robert feels almost giddy. They never did this before, the soft open flirting and trying to figure out who wants what. It was the affair, nothing, boyfriends/engaged, married and over.

“Come on, Sugden,” Aaron teases a little, completely ignoring the click and steam signifying boiling point.

The printer burbles to life and it knocks Robert’s concentration on Aaron. He makes his mind up in that moment, grabbing the print outs and his laptop bag before pressing a dry kiss on Aaron’s mouth. It’s nothing. They’ve shared sexier snogs over the toaster before either of them are awake but it gets Aaron’s eyes closed and Robert breathes him in for a second.

Out of nowhere, Robert tells Aaron: “I’ll pick you up at 8 tonight.”

Best worst decision? He tries not to think about it. He feels good. Aaron is happy, looks happier again when he sees Robert.

Aaron’s smile now is dazzling, “Yeah?”

He can’t resist, he presses another two kisses in quick succession, “Yes.”

Robert forces himself out of the portacabin and manages to get to his car before he feels that giddy feeling overtake him again. He’s _dating_ his _husband_. And neither could be happier.

 

 

 

Robert and Vic decide on the light blue shirt that he wore for Aaron’s birthday this year. It goes well with his colouring and he knows from how that night ended how much his husband likes it.

“Waistcoat or no waistcoat?” Vic murmurs. She’s turning him side to side so he swats her hands away to do up the belt for his jeans.

“It’s just a drink, Vic.”

She makes a noise like she’s horrified, “A drink? You’re taking your estranged husband on your first date to get a drink? That you could do any day of the week?”

Robert rears back with his hands up in a show of peace, “It’s not like we need to get to know each other or—”

Vic slaps his arm, hard, “Take Aaron on a proper date or so help me, I’ll ruin you.”

Eyes wide, “okay, well, the new Thor film is still in the cinemas and they’ve got a late showing.”

She nods, “Better. And?”

Robert rummages in his brain for something else, “Oh and that new burger place opened up and Aaron was talking about it last week with Liv. A right classy pair those two.”

“Finally!” She sounds so pleased with herself and Robert both wants to laugh and ring her neck. He suddenly feels a shot of nerves go through him and he’s pretty sure his back is sweating.

The arm Vic just slapped gets a soft rub in apology before she says, “Look, you guys love each other, right? So it doesn’t matter what you do or what you talk about but don’t you want to mark the occasion? You thought you’d lost him and here you are, trying again. Both of you.”

There it is. Less about him, more about her and Adam and their inability to reconnect properly.

Robert pushes ahead though, “It wasn’t so long ago that I knocked up my one night stand and was plotting her family’s complete financial demise. Simple might be a better option.”

 

 

 

Dinner ends up being great. They do the really chunky almost potato wedge chips that Aaron loves and Robert doesn’t see the point in, ‘just eat a jacket potato’, and they both agree to take Liv once her mock exams are out of the way as a treat.

“I’m glad you’re back in her life,” Aaron admits as they’re walking down the high street in Hotten. “She didn’t say it, but she missed you.”

Warmth spreads through Robert at Aaron’s approval.

“I missed her. We got close while you were away.”

Robert barely hears Aaron’s yeah. It isn’t pained, more fond, as fingers brush his, and Aaron looks directly ahead of himself and holds Robert’s hand. He can’t help but stare at their joint hands and Aaron flushes without turning his head.

“We’re both trying to be better, right?” He explains, except it’s more like being told.

Tugging Aaron towards him, Robert pushes his luck and kisses him softly by the local Natwest. Surprisingly, Aaron opens up under Robert almost immediately with a soft groan and parted lips. Robert kisses his top lip and then his bottom, pulling it gently into his mouth and grazing his teeth over it, and Aaron leans further into him, chasing the sensations. Fingers from Aaron’s free hand curl into his hair, pulling him down as Aaron tilts his head to the other side, tongue flicking out at the seam of Robert’s lips. It’s a little hungrier after that, both tearing a little at each other as they breathe the same air, moan the same moans at the backs of their throats. They only stop when they hear and exaggerated wolf whistle from the other side of the road. Their foreheads touch and even though it’s dark, he doesn’t need light to know that Aaron is probably beet red with embarrassment. He’s not ashamed of who he is but he’s never been one for really public displays of affection.

Still, he breathes in the space between them and asks, “Come home with me.”

Robert’s hesitation is immediate but Aaron is ready for him, “Not for sex. I just—I miss you.”

 

“Liv isn’t home?” Robert asks, surprised, “Are you sure you didn’t invite me back for sex?”

“Alright, perv, no. She and Gabby are doing some project thing and then getting pizza afterwards. Bernice said Liv could stay over if she wanted. Do girly stuff.” Aaron chucks his keys down on the key plate Robert remembers picking out from Oliver Bonas and it makes his heart ache in a good way. Aaron could have seen fit to erase him from the Mill but he didn’t.

“Want a can?” Aaron offers on his way through to the kitchen.

Robert calls out, “Sure,” as he makes his way over to the settee. It feels incredibly new and similar at the same time to be here with Aaron. He feels like he’s waiting for a curry and about to put on an episode of the Grand Tour while Aaron faffs about looking for six types of crisps in the cupboard. Hazards of living in a pub, he supposes. Too much choice.

Aaron sits on the other end of the settee after handing the cool aluminium over to Robert, and suddenly the sweating is back. The constant fear of messing up looms over him, so much so that it seems like he can’t say anything at all.

“Rob,” Aaron coaxes, “it’s just a lager.”

“Yeah, I know.” But it’s so much more. The magnitude is immense. It’s a new start for both of them, not just together, but for themselves. To be the best versions of themselves for each other.

Aaron puts his can down on the same coasters that Robert picked up from The White Company, not that Aaron would ever even care. Robert mirrors the move and takes a second before he leans back into the cushions.

“C’mere.” Aaron gestures to the space he’s opened up by his side. Robert stops and starts before he lets himself be tucked up into Aaron’s side. He feels the rigidity of the new muscle as he presses in, resting his head on Aaron’s shoulder.

“Stop worrying so much about everything, Robert. We’ve got time.”

Robert feels his stomach swoop, “What did you say?”

“We’ve got time? Well, we do, don’t we? Years.”

Hand cupping the side of the face he loves so much, Robert leans up and pours all his love into the kiss that follows, and Aaron slides them down, so that Robert’s lying on top of him as he lays back on the settee. It’s comfortable, trading kisses and touches in the warmth of the Mill, in the bubble of whatever they’re creating together. Aaron doesn’t escalate it, so Robert doesn’t either, but he knows that they both wouldn’t mind if it happened. He’s been so long without being touched that he can’t help the tiny little rocks of his hips that just send tingles up and down his spine before settling low in his belly.

Robert jerks instantaneously when Aaron’s fingers slip under the back of his loose shirt to the skin of his back, just above his belt. It’s nothing, not in the scheme of anything they’ve done together, but it sets Robert alight, buzzing with fizzy want in his blood. He pushes himself up on his arms and gets his legs under him, either side of Aaron’s hips while he sits on his thighs. Aaron, for his part, looks wrecked with slick lips and mouth hanging open in a picture of desire. He scores his nails down the denim that covers Robert’s thighs and the material is thick enough that it barely touches him but still seduces him with its lightness.

“Are we going to do this?” Robert asks, his voice completely hoarse and he isn’t even the slightest bit ashamed. He wants this man, always does, always will.

Aaron stops tracing lines and his eyes soften their gaze, “if you want to.”

He’s offering Robert an out. Putting what he thinks Robert needs over what he needs. Robert swipes his thumb across the wetness of Aaron’s mouth and decides that he will never regret loving his husband. Aaron takes it as a sign and sits up, pulling Robert further up his thighs at the same time so that they roll when Aaron moves forward and Robert naturally back. Using the momentum, Aaron gets his legs out from under Robert, leaving him sat on the settee when he stands up and holds out his hand. Robert is on his back on the sofa now as he looks up. Of course Aaron isn’t going to restart the physical aspect of their marriage in the living room where he plays Xbox and eats with his sister.

“Prude.” Robert teases and takes that strong hand. It yanks him up with ease.

The sheets are new, a dark navy that Robert approves of. Aaron rubs the back of his neck like he knows what Robert’s thinking and it just makes him smile. It’s all terribly romantic after that, with Aaron reverently taking off Robert’s shirt and paying special attention to the old scar that rests in the centre of his chest. Soft touches that trail down his stomach and slide his belt off. Robert finds consolation for his own derailed plans to undress Aaron in kissing the skin at the base of his throat. He likes that he can feel the moans before they even leave him.

At the first press of their bodies together, Robert groans embarrassingly loud and grips Aaron’s arms in an attempt to ground himself. The pleasure he feels is profuse, it draws his skin too tight for everything inside him, except Aaron’s hands are on him and holding the fractured pieces together like he knows exactly where the cracks are. Aaron’s hips roll and the entire world pales in comparison. Leaning down onto his elbows, Aaron noses at Robert’s hair line, ignoring how it’s getting sweaty with exertion.

Aaron’s voice is clear as a bell: “I love you.”

It’s too much; being held, loved and forgiven in the same moment, Robert screws his eyes closed to try and prevent the tears he knows will come if he lets them.

“I love you. I love you. I love you.” Robert says as many times as he can fit it into his breath. He says it on a sigh that he presses against Aaron’s ear. He wraps his arms around Aaron’s shoulders and braces himself with his knees against his sides and he accepts all that is given to him. It drives him higher and higher and his peak closer. He’s talking nonsense, anything to fill the space as his body rides wave after wave of feeling that Aaron pours into him.

Everything zeroes into Aaron’s hand as it curls around him. Robert arches and curves himself around Aaron’s body as he chases his end. They rock and Aaron presses him down with a choked out whine that Robert never forgotten.

“That’s it.” Robert shushes as his own desire crests. His toes curl. His body shakes. He’s hot but he has chills, “Yes.”

Aaron wipes at him with his shirt from tonight and flops beside Robert before offering him again to cuddle to his side. Robert lies with his head on Aaron’s chest to the slowing thump thump of his heart.

It’s easily the best night sleep he’s had in months.

 

 

 

Robert considers the state of his shirt with a frown and Aaron laughs before chucking a white t-shirt at him from the drawer. He’s up and dressed in his casual weekend attire of a hoodie and trackie bottoms.

“Great, the Walk of Shame at my age.” Robert’s only half joking because he knows that Vic was probably waiting up for him last night to discuss the date and he never came home. Or called.

Aaron smiles before leaning down to kiss him quickly before he tosses back, “you’re lucky to be getting any at your age.”

In mock outrage, Robert shoves at Aaron before pulling him back and down on to the bed. Their laughter is loud enough that they don’t hear the front door close and Liv come up the stairs.

“Right, so are you two shagging?” Liv asks with raised eyebrows.

Aaron jumps up like a cat shoved in a bucket of cold water but Liv isn’t angry. She’s looking at both of them like she’s curious. He can tell by the flick of Aaron’s jaw that he wishes more than anything else that he had closed his bedroom door.

Robert doesn’t move because his clothes are still strewn about but he folds his arms over the duvet.

“Well, I didn’t think you’d believe our pillow fight excuse.”

Liv rolls her eyes so hard that Robert thinks he can feel it from where he’s propped up on Aaron’s pillows.

“Whatever, don’t be loud,” is all she says about the matter before disappearing into her room.

Aaron doesn’t relax, “That’s my sister.”

Robert isn’t sure what he’s getting at but he tries anyway, “She’s fifteen, I don’t think the whole concept of sex is that baffling to her. I thought she was okay with this?”

That gets Aaron to turn around, he looks like he’s been scolded by Robert’s question, “Of course she is. It’s just.”

“You wanted to keep it private. At least for a bit.” Robert understands. Maybe better than anyone. His mistakes are a laundry list that everyone knows. He had hoped to go on at least a couple more dates with Aaron before he had anyone else’s opinion on it.

Forever with his back up, Aaron looks down at Robert,“I’m not tryin’ to hide nothin”

Robert sighs, affectionately rather than frustrated, “I know. I get it. Just. Get back into bed.”

He’s been missing his time as the little spoon for far too long and he can see the mechanics of Aaron’s mind work as his stormy look travels Robert’s body.

“It’s early, I’ll take you for a fry up later if you just get back in this damn bed.” Robert huffs as he pulls up a corner of the duvet.

Aaron bites his lip like he gets a peek of something and he really doesn’t know if he should or not. Robert wracks his brain for something else to try but he needn’t have bothered. Aaron shuts the door and climbs on top of Robert and blankets him with his body instead.

It’s simple when it’s like this, him and Aaron, on a weekend cuddling up and deciding if it’s worth going to get food or if they can make do with hot buttered toast till they can grab Liv for the lunch menu at the pub.

Robert lets sleeping dogs lie for a few moments before he whispers, “you got any jam?”, and Aaron gets off him with such disgust that Robert laughs the whole time he’s getting dressed and when he makes his way downstairs and Aaron is still glaring at him.

“You’re mental you are,” Aaron tells him as he stuffs a slice of buttered Hovis into his mouth in  a ridiculous effort to affect Robert’s opinion on toast related toppings, but he just looks like a chipmunk with nuts in its cheeks.

“Real sexy,” Robert laughs.

“You should be so lucky.”

“Oh, I was. More than once,” Robert pulls Aaron to him with a hand slipped down the back of Aaron’s joggers and on the soft skin of his bum. Aaron’s eyebrows rise up toward his hairline, Robert takes his chance and grabs the toast before he’s any the wiser.

Aaron makes a play for it in return but Robert takes a big bite and kisses him with buttery lips and a smile.

“I love you.”

Maybe all Aaron’s bravery from last night has worn off because he ducks his head and redness blooms on his cheeks, “I know.”

“Good.” Robert tells him before he eats the crust. “I’ll come by later after I’ve had a shower and changed my clothes.”

He knows Aaron wants to tell him to stay here, shower, borrow something and he wants to, but he also thinks that they both know it’s too soon for that. He doesn’t regret spending the night but he knows that he probably shouldn’t have in the scheme of whatever ‘Doing Things Properly’ entails.  

And just like that, the fragility of their situation is back. It doesn’t scare Robert like it did before. That the slightest breath would tear the gossamer of their tentative reunion. Now it just feels like love, one that wants to be felt and shared, and to deny it by going home makes everything else feel wrong.

He tries again, “I’ll see you later, yeah.”

Aaron nods at him but doesn’t move from where he’s now leaning. He doesn’t look upset but he doesn’t look happy either and Robert finds he doesn’t know what to say.

It’s a solemn silence in which Robert picks up his jacket. Sliding it on, he taps to check he has his keys and phone and finds he has both.

He’s about to turn awkwardly to find something to say to Aaron but Aaron rescues him by calling back, “bring a DVD!”

Robert also doesn’t expect Aaron to be behind him, turning him by his arms and tipping his chin down as he leans up to kiss Robert. It’s the quick sort of kiss they’ve always shared when one of them went away on business. Aaron isn’t kissing him like he isn’t going to see him for a couple of days, he’s kissing him like he used to when he knew Robert was coming home.

“You know?” Aaron asks as they part.

Robert tries to swallow the emotional lump in his throat, “I know.”

 

 

 

They’ve worked their way up to it but it’s still a daunting prospect. Michael doesn’t have his notepad or pen to hand and he has his fingers laced over his crossed knees as he waits for Robert to say…something about that night.

“I remember falling because Bex pushed me out of the way.” Robert starts. “It hurt but not as much as you might think. I fell on a table. It broke my fall as I heard the crack.”

 _Of the gunshot_.

“I knew what it was. I’ve been shot before. Part of me hoped it was the table, but I think part of me was relieved. It was over. I could breathe.”

He remembers rolling off the splintered remains as another shot fired off into the concrete floor by his head. He remembers hearing Rebecca and Lachlan struggling up on the balcony. He must have pushed her over because he knows he heard her loudly expel air as she fell.

_“Stop it, Lucky!” she had cried as he took another shot at Robert._

_“He ruined everything!” Lachlan had shouted back, “He took it all and you’re still trying to protect him!”_

_“No!”_

_It had been too late. Her words hadn’t meant a thing as he raised up the gun and shot her. Robert threw himself up the stairs, ignoring the lancing pain in his back and tackled Lachlan. He drove his elbow into the teenager’s stomach but he refused to drop the gun._

_“Just stop,” Robert tries to reason, “Enough!”_

_But the damage is done, Lachlan has the gun pressed against his side and Robert feels a sense of peace with it._ Let it be done _._

No _. Robert shoves the gun away with the hand he doesn’t now have pushed up against Lachlan’s throat and he narrowly misses another bullet as he gets his hand over Lachlan’s on the gun. This part is unclear. Robert sees things as they are, then they’re white and then he’s staring a scared little boy as he bleeds on the floor._

_“What?” He doesn’t understand. Lachlan’s shaking and Robert doesn’t comprehend._

_Their joined hands drop and Lachlan’s breathing slows and Robert doesn’t understand._ How did it end up like this?

“Rebecca took a shot to the abdomen and bled out internally. She was unconscious so they didn’t know until they got her in for testing. Lucky…”

Robert hasn’t called him Lucky in years, but there was a time when he knew that boy better than most.

“He died in the house.”

Lawrence had dragged Chrissie from the hospital where she cried like any grieving mother would and made them both leave the village. He clearly wasn’t going to wait around for the fall out. Robert doesn’t even know where they’re buried.

“I don’t feel anything because I don’t want to. I just want to forget it ever happened.” Robert lets the words tear out of him like they can represent every ugly emotion he feels. “I caused it but I can’t change it either. All I can do is be better than before.”

Michael nods, “I agree that you should be better, Robert, but you have to deal with what came before. So that you can heal.”

It doesn’t feel like healing to talk about it though. He feels like the Whites are an open wound he will never reconcile and he’s the reason that’s true.

“What is there to heal? Two people are dead because of me, what kind of person would I be if I was okay with that?” Robert asks. He feels like there’s no way out. He’s suffocating under the weight of what happened and he can’t stop the ringing in his ears.

“Robert.” Michael is firm with him, “You’re having an anxiety attack.”

Robert blinks, the words are like a switch, and his hearing slowly returns to normal.

“Sometimes acknowledging what’s happening can help you through it.” Michael uncrosses his legs and leans on his elbows, “I’m not asking you to be okay with what happened Robert, I don’t think anyone could be, but you have to realise that this is a part of you now. This is a loss, despite how you felt about them beforehand, these were important people to you. Grieve that loss.”

It’s not something that clicks inside Robert and he’s sure Michael will have something to say about it next week so he lets it go.

 

 

 

Robert, Aaron and Liv have a movie night a few nights after Robert’s session with Michael and Aaron is the first person to notice that Robert’s skin doesn’t sit right. He doesn’t say anything, just puts his hand on Robert’s knee where it’s folded up on the settee and rubs back and forth with his thumb.

He doesn’t stay the night because it feels like he’s betraying Aaron by thinking about them at all.

 

 

 

He’s fuming by the time he reaches his next session.

“I don’t grieve for them. They ruined my life.” Robert announces as he taps at his knee, exactly where Aaron had rubbed.

“I’m sorry for my part that brought it about. I grieve my stupidity. Because that’s what I was. Stupid to think I was going to get away with it. Stupid to think it was a good idea in the first place. I just. I hurt so badly.” Robert feels the tears behind his eyes like burning fire.

“Aaron was my world. Our family was my world and I messed it up. And I couldn’t handle it. So I was stupid and reckless. I made everything about my pain and if I could take it back I would. I would be the better man and walk away, but I can’t, so I live with it.”

“Do you? Live with it?” Michael asks in that soft, easy way of his.

Robert sighs, feeling like age and life have caught up with him all at once.

“Yes. Everyday.”

 

 

 

Robert feels like he’s hit a turning point. He’s lying in bed beside his husband, who adorably has his pillow cuddled up under his head and he feels content.

“I’m sorry,” he says to no one in particular, but Aaron reaches for him and lays his hand flat on Robert’s belly, patting it.

“I thought I needed to be okay with what happened that night.” Robert starts and Aaron’s hand stays on his stomach, “To Rebecca, and Lachlan. But that was just the outcome of every mistake I made. Me.”

“I can be sorry they’re dead but they aren’t the people that matter. You and Liv are.”

Aaron’s hand twitches against Robert’s belly button and he’s grateful that Aaron lets him continue.

“I’m done making mistakes. Especially ones where people end up dead. I just want our family and our life.”

A single tear slips down Robert’s cheek, his voice croaking, “if you’ll have me.”

Aaron opens his eyes and they’re bluest in the morning light that’s filtering in.

“Of course we will, don’t be daft.” Aaron tells him as he pulls Robert so that he rolls on to his side.

He isn’t fixed. He isn’t whole. He feels like he’s not done anything he’s supposed to do to be what Aaron needs but he also feels the safest and most loved in his husband’s arms. 

Aaron smiles and it pulls one out of Robert too, “Messed up forever?”

“Messed up, not broken.” Robert amends. “You deserve better.”

“I want you.” Aaron counters.

Robert takes a breath, “If I can’t be what you need, I want you to leave.”

Aaron shifts like he’s about to get up but Robert clasps his hand tightly around Aaron’s wrist.

“If we can’t make this work this time ‘round I want you to go and never look back.”

Aaron looks angry and it’s in his voice when he speaks, “why would you even—”

“Because _I love you_. I’m always going to love you but if this has taught me anything it’s that you mean more to me than anything else. I can survive as long as you’re happy. I can live knowing that you got a happy ending.” Robert feels like he’s pleading. Pleading with Aaron to understand.

And that’s when Robert feels it. The last lock on himself falls away. He isn’t drowning, or suffocating, or hearing things. He’s here in this moment and he is so so in love. He laughs with it.

Aaron is looking at him like he’s mental and maybe he is.

“I know what I just said makes no sense because I intend on keeping you forever, but I had to say it. I had to make sure you knew that we’re both here because we chose this. No pressure. Just us.”

“Yeah.” Aaron’s agreeing but he doesn’t sound sure as to what he’s agreeing to.

Progress isn’t leaps and bounds, and he realises the meaning of those words now in way he hadn’t before. It truly is dealing with things better than before and Robert finally believes that he can do that. With and without Aaron. He just knows that his life is always better with Aaron in it.

**Author's Note:**

> Excuse me, what. Yeah. I did that. I wrote a thing. Honestly, this was a bizarre cathartic experience where I had intended to emotionally whump Robert until I felt better about his shitty decisions but as it turns out I love him and want him to be happy. It was also a bit of an experiment in writing styles, just because I wanted certain parts to flow differently or to have dialogue altered in some way to represent certain emotional states and maybe it worked, maybe it didn't. I tried. I think that pretty much sums this fic up: I tried.
> 
> Also, fun fact, my mum uses way too much OXO in shepherd's pie, but it's fine because as a kid I used to lick the cubes by themselves. Don't laugh, it was a different time, lol.
> 
> Definitely let me know if you had a feeling about it or hit me up at thesnowyswan.tumblr.com.


End file.
